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I said , "Cindy are you still a virgin or are you in a relationship at the moment.' Cindy said "I lost my virginity last year to a teacher at school and I have dated boys but I only like to perform oral on them." I nodded my head and said "well that sounds like what all the teenagers who see me are doing. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it seems to be more safer than just having sex all the time." I smiled and she said "guys only see me for my large tits and don't want to get to know me better. Most just stare right at my big breast and never look into my eyes." I nodded and asked her to remove her gown to start the exam.The gown hit the floor and I had her stand as I moved from her feet up to her breast. I like looking up and her breast were blocking out the lights. I could just make out her her nose above her left nipple. I poked her skin as I moved up and asked her if it hurt or any soreness. She kept saying no. I got to her nipple and now her breast were resting on my belly. A time when she gave me Aubrey’s Brief Lives and I gave her the Tin Drum, and we chanted the Latin poems of Winnie ille Pu together. Jazz and poetry in a basement one day, Chinese ceramics in a gallery the next. There came a time (I still feel sick as I remember it) when I waited in the coffee bar on City Square and had our table to myself, day after day. A time when I phoned and no-one answered. In the end, the time when I received a letter posted in Mexico. There was no return address. I threw it into the fire so I would not pore over it, then spent stupid weeks trying to find significance in a book she had given me not long before: Wilde’s De profundis. So laugh, why don’t you? Why not? Beckett was right: Nothing is funnier than unhappiness. * * * What happened? Why did it end? I don’t know. Maybe I was too intense, perhaps I wanted a commitment for which Jane was not ready. Perhaps I smothered us, turning adventure into domesticity. Perhaps, maybe I was too compliant, too loyal..
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