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I... I... I... really didn't mean it." I could tell from John's expression that he was feeling bad. A part of me wanted him to see what damage his words had done to me, but another part didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Grabbing my purse, I headed for the door, which, thank God, was just a few paces from the bar. I kept my head down so that no one else would see my tears and ask me any questions. I cried all the way home. I could barely see the road though my tears. I hated myself; I hated my big ass; and I hated men.Steve tried to apologize the next day, but I told him to fuck off. I ran into John on the elevator later that afternoon, and with his head bowed he also tried to apologize. I told him to fuck off too, and not to speak to me again or I'd tell his black boss, the head of his department, about his racist views.Now it was Christmas Eve, and again I was alone. I always hated the holidays, I guess because I never had anyone special to share it with. My family lived a. Jeez, there were more ‘don’ts’ than at a Junior High Cotillion full of chaperones! And then the real kicker in the ‘nads – I found a swinging site with the motto “Trust and Honesty and Openness“. No, I’m not kidding you. Fuck, that almost made me puke. My parents can’t have been subscribers to that website!The days dragged that week of Spring Recess, but I got a lot of studying done. I needed to lose myself in college work; my personal thoughts were too raw and bitter and toxic to want to have them for very long at a time.For a mad moment, I thought about driving down to stay with Gran and Gramps for a couple of nights; I knew they’d be pleased that I’d taken the trouble to go see them. But how could I answer any questions? Did I really want to blurt out something like “Your daughter hosts monthly sex parties and your cute little grand-daughter takes on all comers?” Yeah, that was a real non-starter of an idea. I couldn’t even face calling them to see how they were keeping.Having to.
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