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Iimagine he'd feel the same way in Forever 21." Whatever." She was a little better with the graphic novels, at leastthe ones that weren't filled with women with big tits and skimpy outfits."Which ones do you think he's into?" I thought, 'probably the ones withbig tits and skimpy outfits.' We bought the newest most popular ones andwalked to lunch."Just play it cool," I said. "Like, when it's totally organic, say, 'oh,did you read the new American Gods? And then talk about it. But, don'tgo up to him and say, 'I got the new American Gods.'" I know, Aunt Jess," she said, in an exasperated tone. I hoped that shedid. I felt a Braxton-Hicks and leaned against a wall. She lookednervous. "Are you OK? Should I call mom?" I'm fine, Sarah. It's totally normal. It's false labor." She didn'tlook placated. "I went to the doctor. She told me it was fine. OK?" I'm just worried for you," she said. "You're my favorite aunt."I gave her a kiss on the cheek, embarrassment be damned. . And Elliot was just part of my teachings, a fragment of life shattered by the loss of an ivory innocence, folded with all graceful curves of a budding rose, floating downstream on a river of blood that flowed from my body like so many crystalline tears. Until the river was swept into the ocean of all women who cry and bleed and live without ever knowing why or how, or for what the pain of their existence is all for. Watching myself grow rounder, fuller…feeling the life within me that brought with it fear and hope and complete uncertainty. Knowing as I know my own name that nothing could ever change what was happening to me…not knowing if I really wanted it to change at all. People watching me, people whispering…their eyes burning like demon fire. God how I wish they could walk for one day knowing what I know, feeling what I feel, feeling that life within me as it lives and moves and grows. I stare back to unsettle them, unblinking, unforgiving. They look away but the whispering.
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