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I try to hold that thought but I can’t. I know I need you to know that, but helpless, I know it’s unlikely I’ll recall it later. Still staring at the trees, I feel I ought to be responding to the beauty around me. I can see it’s a pretty place, a lovely afternoon. I try again to concentrate. I hear the birds, a light breeze rustling the manicured landscape. I can hear the unusual sounds of children playing in the visitor’s garden. I feel next to nothing in response. I ought to feel so much more. Christopher. I know I should. That’s your fault. I know that too. You stare at me pained, hopeful, and wary. What are you waiting for? This cocktail of me-suppressing drugs is no recipe for love. I can barely feel me, let alone you. I feel resentment stirring. Blessed resentment! That’s something, that’s mine. August They say I’m doing better. I’m off Suicide Street and have moved to Pitiful Parade. And they say that’s better. I wish you wouldn’t visit so often. I don’t want to hear about. Back to bed, now.’ I didn’t move, the previous day’s events streaming back to me like a clip show on fast forward. The operation, the conversations I’d had with Sarah, with Daniel, with my mother. With Luke… ‘You’re not going to do as you’re told, are you?’ he said at last, sounding resigned. I hesitated, playing for time. ‘I need the loo.’ ‘Of course you do.’ He sighed. ‘Okay. Hang on.’ I heard him fling back the duvet and then a click, the room suddenly flooding with low warm light. I blinked hard, watching as he slid out of bed himself, rather relieved to see he was wearing a dark T-shirt and boxer shorts. ‘Bathroom’s just there,’ he said, pointing towards a door in the corner of the room. ‘The light switch is on the wall outside.’ ‘Thanks,’ I mumbled, already stumbling across the room. And flipping on the switch I burst through the door, closing it behind me as fast as I could. But when I turned around, I felt my jaw drop in astonishment. ‘Wow.’ The bathroom was as big as my.
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