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And, as you know, I lost my virginity to Ben, the taxi driver, soon afterwards. Although I was elated, I still tried to find a way back. I prayed for help. I went to confession (for the last time). The new parish priest, no more than 30, asking me all sorts of questions about what I'd done, where I'd touched him, where he'd touched me. But it was no use....talking about sex in the darkness and privacy of the confessional only arousing my desire still more. I now hungered for sex and the feeling of freedom and liberation it gave me. Now, just two months later, wherever I go the urge to have sex seems to dominate my thoughts. Even an everyday task like buying underwear has become an exercise in sexual arousal. Instead of just going into the mall and quickly buying a pair of "sensible" knickers, I now seem to find myself spending more and more time selecting them. Knowing now, of course, that these aren't just bits of underwear to be hidden underneath my skirt or jeans, but a fashion. He WENT HOME!I've never made a boy cry before. I mean I don't think I've ever made anyone cry before. And I guess I know I should feel bad, but between you and me? It felt amazing. And not just amazing, it felt... sexual. Like viscerally sexual. I felt like... I dunno, a grown-up I guess? A real person for once. A person who could throw a punch, and hurt somebody and be OK with that. It made me want to fuck and eat a cheeseburger in no particular order.Anyway since then Ethan has been looking a little.. I dunno man-boy to me. The shit I used to think was confidence now seems like lazyness, his bravado seems like dim-wittedness. I know he hasn't changed. It's the same him, the same shit, but I'm different now. It feels dissonant; frightening. Like I thought I knew what I wanted, and it wore a leather jacket and smelled like engine-oil and booze, and rode motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude, and bent me over those motorcycles and fucked me with that same devil-may-care attitude..
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