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So intertwined were we, that the 'me' I was, doesn't exist anymore.I know that life continued, I ate, slept, I went to work, watched TV, I even went to my beloved Texas home football games down in Austin. But if I didn't have the ticket stubs, I would swear I hadn't even watched them on TV.I know I visited with friends and that family came to see me. But for the last six months, I retreated into a deep place where light has never been. If only, if only suicide wasn't a mortal sin--but like that old 60s song Last Kiss."She's gone to heaven so I got to be goodSo I can see my baby when I leave this world."Tonight is Christmas Eve, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. I've just returned from our midnight candlelight service at church. As we sang endless Christmas carols, something shattered. When my little candle was lit, it illuminated the dark cave of my life.I was singing one of Ginny's favorites, and when I couldn't hear Ginny's powerful, but always off-key,. A few whispered some guesses into our cluster of three, but no one was tacky enough to ask. “Robert is my husband and he brought along Thomas for us to play with all weekend. These two are fucking my brains out. ” I didn’t say it though. I chose hot mulled wine. My guys drank Irish coffee with Connemara, Cuban special brown sugar, good coffee and real whipped cream. On the last leg of our jaunt, homeward bound, Thomas suggested, “Let’s make our last night a special one. Coffee alone will get me going tomorrow morning. The sled will pick me up at daylight. But, we can party all night.” “Great idea,” my husband answered. “I would love to have you be Angie’s and my photographer. We will have something real to remember this weekend by, for a long time.” “Deal!” My guys gave each other a high-five, over my head. Over my dead body will Thomas have any record of this, I thought. But I might have some of him, just in case he goes rogue on us in the future. Something like the Stockholm.
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