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We’re long-time clients.Now, if you all remember, lockdown started on March 24th. I had got a job offer from an IT company by then. But we still required money urgently, and my mom knew this. She asked me if I could freelance and earn some money.I replied, even then, “Mom, we can’t pay the rent and loan of 30L.”She now had no option to call her NRI friend and ask if the belly dancing gig was still open. Luckily it still was. After talking on the phone, she looked at me and explained the terms and conditions.The video was supposed to be shot and filmed by Saturday, March 29th, and the very next Monday was our rent due date. My mother also received her pay per video on Tuesday, almost 1L after converting the currency.I was surprised by the amount for just one video. But she explained the clients’ wealth and demands. She also received the PDF for her attire and a sample video for the dance. She asked me to get the dress stitched from the local tailor.Then in the evening, we saw the news. The warning signs I see and ignore I live to regret. I try to live a life free from regret. I look at everything I experience as a lesson, or an opportunity to learn more about people and emotions and how the mind works. I find it very hard to say I regret anything in my life, even the things that no one should ever experience. Unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of those things. From early childhood on into adulthood. I think I got used to always being the strong one, always being the one who saves others pain even if it means I take it myself, always the one that everyone goes to for help and advice, but with no one to go to myself. Partly by my own doing, because I feel I can handle anything life throws at me. I remind myself what I’ve already come through, and try to be mindful that if I could survive that, I can literally survive anything. But I’m tired. I’m so tired. My soul is drained, and there’s nothing left to give. Nothing left to bolster my spirits but sheer will alone. I.
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