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I also know that neither of us can act on those feelings. Why my husband wants to do this, I have no idea. I think he has some weird fantasy that I have no intention of fulfilling. I just can’t.I’ve been nervous and scared about this trip ever since Robert convinced me to send that message to Alan. I didn’t want to do this. I DON’T want to do it! The simple reason I don’t is that I want to so badly. Does that make sense? I don’t want to because I do want to. I haven’t wanted anything so badly for a long, long time as seeing Alan Ryder again. That’s why this trip is such a huge mistake. I know how hard it’s going to be to resist him, but I have to. There’s no other alternative. And from reading between the lines of his messages, he’s not going to make it easy. He never came out and said it, but I know he wants me.Well, actually, he did say it… almost. One of his first messages, I remember it, ‘that’s why I’m still single. No one could ever come to the standard you set.’He’s still. That said, he most certainly did not understand it, and her stated reasons made less and less sense the more he considered them. A protest against the exclusion of women from their ranks he could at least grasp in theory, despite the (to him) questionable wisdom of such disturbances to traditional order, but even though she’d made her feelings on that issue clear enough in the past, on this occasion she’d barely mentioned it. Instead, she’d spun a vague, aspirational appeal to individual destiny, insisting on the impossibility of hope without the total commitment of all with sufficient courage to defend their ideals. The details blurred in the aftermath, and in any case he’d been a little too distracted to follow her argument. He’d found himself capitulating before his more rational side could muster a sensible counterargument.Now, however, he was overborne by second thoughts and growing anxiety regarding her behavior. Her skills as a warrior were (at least to him) beyond question,.
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