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That's why I kept trying to tell you that what happened there had nothing to do with us – it was no reflection on your or our life together.Of course it wasn't any such thing and of course you'd be hurt and our relationship damaged and it was just my own self defense mechanisms trying to divert the over whelming guilt that was being generated from what I had done. It doesn't really explain why I did it again – or perhaps it does, I don't know. I wish I could ask you what you think.So you asked me why. According to the Doctor, there are two aspects. One is that I subconsciously felt like I was carrying you in the relationship. I don't want you to read that and think I am trying to blame you – that's not it at all. I'm trying to explain what my brain was doing. I'm a producer – by definition what I do is produce. I make people do their jobs and get it done. But with you, I can't. You are my husband, my partner. I cannot push you in the way I do at work, nor do I want to. But the lack. " he said, looking at me with a big smile."Ummm . . . thank you, but I think your looking for my dad. He's at work right now though." as I tried to explain nervously without trying to explain to much."Oh, no worries dear, and your very welcome." he said, as he continued smiling and now looking past me into the house."Ummm . . . do you like want to come in?" I said, with doubt, as I could hear my dad's voice screaming in the back of my mind not to let strangers in the house."Yes please." he said, as he walked in and we sat at the kitchen table and talked about nothing really."So, I haven't seen you around before." he said with a small grin. "Ummm . . . yeah, I don't really live here all the time, I'm just visting my dad because I'm on summer break now." I said nervously, hiding my shakey hands under the table. "Okay, I see. . well, are you enjoying it?" he calmly asked."Ummm . . . yeah," I said, looking away as he just kept looking right at me across the table. I was nervous as heck.
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