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Sweet Jesus I wonder when I stopped caring. Why did I give up my fight? I wonder why I can’t see the light that is suppose to shine at the end of every tunnel? How did a woman so young in years grow to feel to empty and old? Jaded. I hide myself from friends for days on end, fearing they will see what I see when I look in the mirror. I shun my family for giving me the memories that have formed me into the person that I have become. I wonder what happened to the woman that use to be vivacious. She is a rare visitor, or maybe I just imagined her. Maybe she only exists in my mind. Because the only person I see theses is world-weary and raw. I don’t care for her much. Even now as I write, I beg myself to stop, because if I don’t, I am forced to think of all I am loosing, all the precious time I have already lost. All the pain that I have kept safely harbored inside my heart. I can feel it swelling up inside me now wanting to push past the barriers I have built up, I can’t bare to feel. All other intimacies aside, no other act created as much doubt, hesitation or intimidation as the first full mouth-to-mouth contact. For reasons not fathomed in this study, siblings were loath to kiss each other where other forms of intimate contact were less objectionable. 63 of the couples interviewed admitted to having sex before engaging in kissing and necking. Even tongue kissing was not so feared or repugnant as the initial buss. However, once that intimate barrier was breached, it was 'all hands on deck and full steam ahead'.I thought back a few years to when I was 17, my sister 16. We were at a Christmas party where laced eggnog was a staple and a bunch of us were getting pretty tipsy. I'd managed to get some girls under the mistletoe and I wasn't being too cautious about kissing or copping a feel under that twig. The mood was right and I was on a roll so when my sister ventured too near, I grabbed her and gave her a lingering, full mouth kiss and caressed her.
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