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I have to be the best at whatever I do. I can’t help it.In that moment, I began to realize what was happening in me. My competitive drive to be the best now meant doing whatever was necessary to be the best slut I could be for Cliff. I put myself in this situation. I made the bet at the golf game. I made it because I knew I couldn’t lose. Then I did. I always keep my word. I always pay my debt. I boarded the plane. To be the best now required the systematic dismantling of my strong will that got me here. My competitive drive was turning in on itself. Every time I did what he asked, I surrendered more of myself to him. It was as if he was slowly seductively stripping me of one layer after another – but more than clothes, it was my need to be in control and win. Unlike ever before, to win meant choosing new levels of surrender.Strangely, the more I did, the freer and more aroused I felt. I always thought freedom came from being in control. Everything in me believed that, but I couldn’t. Since he was Sam’s consultant I kept my mouth shut.The rest of his presentation had that same ring to it and Sam figured out that I was dubious about some of his findings by the aggressive way that I stayed out of the conversation. When Sam spoke up, interrupting the consultant, even I was surprised. “We need to take hiatus on tonight’s discussion, Mr. Jensen. The Secretary and I must check in with our key subordinates. Thank you for the data and my appointment secretary will be in touch with your office in the morning to schedule another appointment.” His dismissal was as smooth as I had ever seen it done.Once we were alone, the consultant having been escorted off the premises by the Secret Service, Sam turned to me and said, “What has you so wrought up over this information?”“The entire presentation sounded like a canned speech. It’s basically useless. This company could have just lifted data out of a half dozen old reports and fitted it together. There wasn’t single thing that.
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