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" I'm trying to be," I said truthfully. It was a lot to ask of someone you loved, wasn't it?"I can see your point," she said, "and I think I'd feel the same way if our situation was reversed; if you wanted to have the baby instead of me, I mean."I said, "You would?" I think so, yes," she replied. "It's a very intimate thing, sex. You're allowing another person the freedom of your body, and it's especially intimate if there's going to be a baby involved. It's not recreation and sharing anymore. You're creating a life, and the responsibility is awesome." I agree, but what can we do?" I asked.She gave me her shy smile and said, "How about a joint venture?"I gaped open-mouthed at her and said, "I don't want to be pregnant!"She laughed and said, "Come on! Level with me! I know Eddie makes your panties wet; you told me so. And even Sean got me a little worked up last summer. Don't tell me you've never thought of it - you had a boyfriend once, didn't you?" Yeah, Brian Hayes," I said. "But. I had eaten another light meal after getting back from my long hike through the forest, still not feeling very hungry. My actions had devastated me. I kept hoping that Ilse would call, or send me a text message, but none of that had happened. Finally, I decided to kill the bottle of wine I had bought a day earlier.Normally I don’t drink a lot, usually only at social occasions and never more than two to three glasses. Finishing a whole bottle alone had the desired effect and I had been too drunk for coherent thought, killing my ability to wallow in constant self-pity by rehashing my thoughts.It was after two a.m. when I had finally managed to crawl in my bed, although not before throwing up in the toilet bowl. My upset stomach couldn’t handle the amount of liquor I had imbibed and decided to spew it back from the entrance it came from, rather than processing it all the way through my digestive system. I had lost sufficient control over my muscles to open a bottle of painkillers, those.
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