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All I wanted to do was hold him. But the rules didn’t permit it. He was too fragile, too sick, and too little. But soon, they promised. Even now wasn’t soon enough. No one understood how much Matthew meant. No one understood how hard the decision was to have a baby. I’d fought getting pregnant for a long time, afraid we’d lose our freedom. And now… Matt understood, but he had collapsed from exhaustion. I’d sent him home to get some sleep. I glanced around the room. Thirty more isolettes, just like Matthew’s, lined the room. Other moms stared into their own plastic boxes. Maybe someone else did understand. Maybe I wasn’t alone. We were like a secret club – mothers with sick babies – membership not recommended. I wanted to breastfeed, but he was too little. The nurse gave me a breast pump, showed me how to use it, and instructed me to save my breast milk in the freezer. It had to be labeled – name, date and time. They would feed it to Matthew through the tube that was going into his. " Jennifer bounced up. "But now, I'mgoing to take her upstairs." "I'vegot an ointment in my medicine cabinet, if you're still worried abouther." "I'llget it." Jennifersnapped her fingers. Without waiting for my response, she walked out of theroom. I quickly followed her. I didn't want to be left alone with her mother. Shetold me to lie down on my bed and went to get the cream. When she came back,she unbound my legs and bade me to lie on my stomach while she rubbed it in.Although I was still really tender, it felt wonderful for her to massage me. Ifelt like purring from the attention. I felther kiss my shoulder as she finished. "I'msorry she hurt you, Renie. You are my very best girl and I know you did a goodjob." She got up from the floor and began to get ready for bed. AlthoughI was tired and sore, I turned my head to watch her. I could feel my breathquickening as she stripped. I blushed when she glanced down and saw me panting. "Youare such a horn dog. Close your eyes and go to.
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