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It is in this forum that I think I have found you, again. You are my hope and my memory. I spend much of my time wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of you again. I look out the window of my bedroom, away from the computer screen. I see the fence line and trees overhead. They might as well not exist. I remember so vividly each of the last eleven years. I run the months through my mind, and I wonder how I could have changed things to accommodate what I now know is true. I pour myself over the emotions and the feelings that you inspire in me. I no longer doubt the veracity of anything I ever felt, nor anything that comes to my mind in the present. When I am alone on days like today, I feel the misery of choices I made so long ago. And I want to tell you all about it. I have issued my full apology so many times. The guilt still burns in me. There is just enough fuel in my mind to keep it going. But I don’t want to spend my life in misery over choices I have made. I suffered through many. “So, did you ever seek out someone else”.“No, I didn’t. I thought about it, but didn’t want to cheat on her”.Tracy swirled her drink. “Lynn told me she never though you cheated. And she loved you for it”I smiled. “I couldn’t do that to her”.Tracy smiled, and gave me a hug. “I love you for that. For protecting Lynn. For not hurting her. That wasn’t easy. Have you been with anyone since she passed?”“No, I haven’t. Her passing seemed to take my mind off it, and it just didn’t seem to be right, that soon after she passed”.Tracy turned to face me, and put her hand on my knee. “A few years ago, Lynn asked me for advice on how to help you. She wanted me to tell you it was OK with her if you strayed. I told her no – that wouldn’t be fair to you. You wouldn’t do it, and it would confuse and frustrate you”.I paused, looked down. “Wow, I wasn’t aware she cared that much”.“She loved you very much. About a month before she died, she asked me to reach out to you, to make sure you found.
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