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My mind kept going back tothat comment Tara had made about "reality shifting." Had the shiftaffected my sexual preferences? It certainly appeared so. I wondered ifthere was any going back.Over afternoon smoothies, Rachel broached the subject "You know Dana, Iunderstand that seeing Alan in the morning can be really upsetting, butcount your blessings. Alan is a great guy with a great career, and hereally makes your mom happy. He also seems to care about you, whichisn't true of a lot of step dads. You're attractive, you get goodgrades, and you have a great boyfriend. I'm not saying I want to be you,I'm happy as I am, but you should be happy too. I mean, you must haveexpected that your mom would get really serious with someone someday."I didn't know what to say. As she said these things they all triggeredmemories that said she was correct. Alan -was- a great guy who had spentsome great quality time with me on several occasions, and apparentlythere were times I was _hoping_ he. Unfortunately regular masturbation for two days worsened my state, it enhanced my restlessness and went sleepless in the nights, my body was demanding sex and I was helpless and gradually I started surrendering myself. My thinking was changing and I started convincing myself that life I am leading is not a married life, me and Ujwal was living together just for our child and we don’t love each other. I have a right to keep myself happy and satisfied, it could be wrong in eyes of society but it is not wrong in my personal perspective.Mentally I was preparing myself to get into a sexual affair without feeling regret of cheating my husband and in the mean time another weekend banged.It was a Friday afternoon when Ujwal messaged me that he will not come back home in the night and I realized that it is a last week of the month. I knew when he will come back; on Sunday afternoon, he had bunch of friends who use to get together once in a month for couple of nights; to drink and play cards.
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