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... I bought his gatorade and we walked home....they made a silly impression of me fighting all the way there...we got inside my house and we went straight to the bedroom...locking it from behind...and almost instantly we got naked togheter."What are we trying today" Mark asked."Oh! Oh! Try giving him a massage" Alex suggested."Oh yeah...lay on your stomach" I said...and he did, I simply started massaging Mark for some minutes...he was in daze for ten minutes of the massage...I was pretty sure that if I hadn't stopped the massage, he would end up sleeping..."You are...so good at that.." Mark said."Thanks..." I said."I'm good at something too...." Alex said."And what would that be?" Mark asked as Alex got near and kissed him, my God...how I was jealous...well...good for Mark..Alex was actually a pretty good kisser...even though he was only an starter of course...after some minutes...they broke the kiss and of course...I noticed how Mark got a boner from just that, I turned him around. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I couldn't go back to how I was, that way led nowhere, so I could only go forward, but I didn't know how to make a first step.I was contemplating that when Anna called. I hadn't realized it'd gotten so late. I hadn't eaten anything or moved from the table where Jenny sat down hours ago. Anna's suggestion of take.
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