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I was a reporter. I was a man.This couldn't be my life now.But I remembered something now, in all the stories I'd heard; somethingthat almost never ever happened.I was never going back. I was never going to go back to being myself.And I'd already forgotten myself once. It would happen again.And that was when I realised why this had happened.It wasn't random. I didn't think any of the changes were random.Whatever force it was had changed me on purpose. To shut me up.It had known I had spotted the pattern. It had known I was going to findout the truth.It was protecting itself. It was getting me out of the way; turning meinto a brainless loser who would remember nothing; who'd live out therest of her life destitute and abused.Kev snarled again and pulled me back up. He slapped me hard across theface then slapped me hard the other way. Then he shook me again and Istopped crying, gaping back at him in shock and fear. When he spoke now,his voice was low but laced with the same threat of. . Inever saw Kurt as a woman, honest." I believe you," Beverly says."And obviously, sex was going to be completely off the table," I say."And that's the thing I can't get over, the thought of actually havingsex with a man, I- I mean, I know I shouldn't feel so negatively aboutit, I might even like it, god knows Jamie does, but- but I'm worriedthat it's 'Steve' pushing back, you know?" And you're also worried that showing an interest in boys is just a wayof suppressing 'Steve'?" Beverly asks."Well I am NOW," I moan, before letting out a long sigh. "Sorry,sorry... You're right, of course. As usual. I- I just never reallythought of it that way, I guess..." Your transition has been far from straightforward," Beverly sayssoftly. "You've had layers and layers of complex issues to deal with.It's part of the reason I withheld oestrogen for so long. I wouldn't besurprised either if your increased interest in boys is as a response toyour body reacting slower than normal to the hormone therapy..
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