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Please, just take the paint off of me, Nathan. Make me clean. Remove what he did to me.”For once, as Proper Flossie began to rant in the background, Flossie shut her out. She didn’t think about what she was doing. His touch comforted her, in ways so opposite to those of his father that it was like every time he touched her, some of the pain of his father’s touch was taken away. She knew it was wrong to let him see her like this ... to ask him to touch her this way, but the urge to be clean was so strong in her that she had to. She had seen the way he looked at her ... appreciated her as a woman, and she wanted to feel like a woman, and not just a female, who could be taken like some prize won in a game. His touch was filled with something positive, even though she knew he had lust in him. But his lust was fresh and innocent, not a poison, like the lust that had been in the man who created him. She wanted to be respected, and somehow she knew that Nathan at least respected her.She had. I used to go for long tramps over Hampstead Heath with my friend, followed by afternoon tea. I was very bad in those days at picking it up when someone admired me, rather like the heroine of my story. Only much later did I realise that my friend was one of many admirers. (RIP, dear Phil, I still often think of you.) The poems: are by George Gordon, Lord Byron, Alfred Tennyson (not ennobled at the time of this story), and Robert Herrick. Picture of carousel sign. I cannot bear it, I cannot bear it, I cannot bear it! When the feelings rise up in me, I try. I do try. Mama sees the truth. She gives me a look. I tremble so, for fear she will punish me again, and the feelings come rising up — choking me. I try to look down, modestly, to still my beating heart, to stop the flushed blood rising in my cheeks. I cannot bear it! I get thrown into such a hysteria. I had the misfortune to be born on St. Valentine’s Day — 1844. A well reared and educated girl, I of course do not look for any.
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