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He drained my emotions, because he was an emotional cripple himself. He drained me financially, because he was a leech. He drained me physically, because he fucked me until I would laugh and cry simultaneously. I told him I was pregnant about nine months into our lust-fest. He told me to purge myself of the ‘bag of cells’ within me. It was the first time I ever considered killing myself. I did a quick inventory of my closet around that time. There was no room for my own bones in there. I couldn’t make them fit if I tried to. I opted not to kill myself, but the progeny within and with it, my relationship with its sire. I wrote a poem about it, and he read it matter of factly. He laid it down alongside his crypt and fucked me non-chalantly. He smelled like stale cigarettes to me. It disgusted me, and I gathered my things and left him. The image never left me. He is married now to a rotund little girl he met online and who enjoys playing Holly Homemaker with him, while he skulks the. ’ — In a blink of an eye, my life changed. The Halloween decorations looked sinister. I walked through my days as if I were surrounded in a grey cotton cloud, or wading in a murky stream. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t answer check my personal email. I wrote the articles I needed to for work, but I felt like I was phoning in the answers from some remote part of my brain, composing blog posts lauding fake Christmas trees with ‘authentic’ tree scents, and finding ten synonyms for high-speed for a new internet company that claimed they would ‘revolutionize’ the world. There was a word for what I was doing. Sleepwalking. I was very hungry, but the idea of eating anything was appalling. I found the only thing I could eat was ice cream. So for months, I ate only ice cream. It was a diet of Breyers ice cream, chocolate, chocolate chip, and vanilla, and water. My body began to look thinner and more hallow and hollow, except for my stomach, which pouched out, like a soft, distended.
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