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“I trust you with my life. You’ve saved it in more ways than one. I trust you with my soul. It’s what I’m here to ask your help with. I trust you with my future. That’s why I brought one of the people that I love most in this world to you for help. If you tell me something is for my own good, I agree to it. I know you would never do anything to harm me. You don’t need to ask permission or forgiveness for trying to help me. Without you, I wouldn’t be here. That gives you all the permission you ever need from me.”She nodded. “I appreciate that,” she said quietly. “I still feel like I failed you by not recognizing how much distress you were in.”“Under normal circumstances, I’d make some lewd suggestion of how you could make it up to me that involved X-Ray techs and some field research for a paper I hope you’ll write about me for a journal of sexual development, but ... No, that all sounds like a terrific idea. We’ll go with that.” I gave her a little smile and winked.She laughed and. Not with Winston. Not with Brad. None of it was stable. But I, who had once been celebrated for decisiveness and initiative, had no desire, no intention, no will to make a change. I did not even know what change I wanted. Which was real: the person I had seemed to be all my life, who excelled at school and work, or the person I was with Brad? The only indicator was that I remained passive. One evening though, half hysterically, I did confront Brad. We were in his suite at the Meridian in Boston. I was half dressed. He was bending over his laptop. His back toward me, attaching the cable from his digital camera, with which he had just taken several pictures of me with my hand up my cunt–something which I frankly said was impossible, but changed my mind when he showed me photographs of other women doing so, declared that what anyone else could do I could do, and asked if I wanted him to have Jefferson help open me up. The shots had been from the neck down. ‘There,’ he said,.
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