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I was afraidof meeting some guy, him somehow finding out I was born male, and thentrying to keep him from trying to beat me up, rape me, or even kill me. It may even be slightly irrational fear, but that fear is what has keptme from even trying to date, even after all I've done to finally becomethe woman I felt that I've always been my entire life.Even after all this time, I'm still deathly afraid to pursue something Iclearly want to have. Why the hell do I STILL feel this way? Maybe mybrother and all my friends are right, maybe I DO need to throw cautionto the wind, just relax, and let whatever happens, happen. Well, I'mstill not going to drink. I need to be in control of whatever situationdoes come up tonight, so I don't do anything I'll regret later.Ugh, I'm thinking too much again."Uh, sis, you can get out of the car whenever you want," Will said,completely halting my train of thought. "C'mon Beth, you gotta do this.For yourself. After everything you've done over the last. "You've done wonders with her, Nicole. I never would havethought .... Do sit down, both of you."The Maitre d' held out our chairs successively and we sat, meremembering first to set my purse on the table, then to smooth myskirt as I lowered my bottom into the chair. When I looked up Isaw Lauren and Ashley entering the restaurant at the far end, thelast of our group today, smiling at the manager and gesturingtoward us while he nodded. Ashley was wearing the wide-eyed,curly-topped, ditzy blonde look she cultivated these days despiteher laid-back smarts, and Lauren's look was like her temperamentstraight, dark, and truculent. They came toward us holding hands. Nicole had mentioned they'd gotten very close even though they bothhad husbands. "If fact they'd love it if their husbands felt for each other whatthey feel for each other," Nicole told me confidentially one dayduring one of the many sessions when we'd practiced trading gossip. "Not that they're lesbians or bisexual, more.
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