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As he passed by the front, Bill caught a flash of a man’s voice singing something about not letting the devil drive your car. Sure, I ride the fuckin’ subway, he thought. But the sound was strong even as it was slightly muffled by the church walls and it felt like the man’s voice was penetrating his blood. Bill walked up the steps and found a clear spot in the stained glass window where he could peer inside. There was a full band spread across the front of the pulpit, and the singer was standing in front of them. The man was huge, wearing a mustard yellow suit that draped him like a boat sail. He was sweating with the strain of conviction, eyes closed and gripping a wireless mic. He had to be close to three hundred pounds and was using his body to help push out the words, as if maybe he could fire them closer to god that way. The pews were packed full of people. Heads were bobbing, leaning back, dropping forward. Hands were raised in the air. An ancient woman with a midnight dark. ‘Andy – Veronica. Veronica would like me to act as her coach.’ Absurdly, we shook hands. ‘Now the thing is, Veronica,’ Nikki immediately shot out, ‘I told you my methods were…unusual. But I wanted you to see for yourself. I’ve been punishing Andy for his far too sloppy approach.’ Nikki eyed me for a moment. ‘Turn round and lower your shorts,’ she barked. ‘What?!’ I spluttered. ‘I said turn round and lower your shorts!’ Sheepishly, I turned my back on the women and did as I had been told. ‘This is what you can expect if you let me down,’ she explained. ‘As you can see, his pert little butt is quite red. It is not, however, by any means red enough.’ And with that, she bent me forcefully over the bench again. I couldn’t believe I was in for yet more correction. ‘Now show me your forehand,’ she commanded. I looked over my shoulder in horror. Veronica, with a look of delightfully feigned confusion, struck an imaginary tennis ball in mid air. ‘No, no, no!’ Nikki scoffed. ‘Not like that! On.
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