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She had a subtle distrust of people that I never noticed until I tried to get her a drink. At first, I thought she avoided allowing me do things for her because of our roles, but after a frustrating couple of days I paid closer attention to how she interacted with anyone near her.It was small things.Cheryl's body moved around people in an unconscious fashion, as if they were furniture that she did not want to bump into. Her shoulders tensed when someone came into physical contact with her, even for a handshake. She reacted to unexpected movement like an untrained fighter reacting to a feint.My mother's awareness of Cheryl's behavior surprised me, which was followed by an intuitive leap that the two women shared certain mannerisms.At the time though, these were only the symptoms of a problem I needed to overcome so I did not consider why the women behaved so strangely and similarly. I only cared that Cheryl's use of zealous solicitness to control her interactions with people was making. My tears could not be stopped from rolling down my cheeks as the realization hit me once again that I am unwanted by the man I love. I know exactly what the dream means, for the message in it is abundantly clear. There can be no more. No more dreaming of the man I love. No more wanting him late at night, and needing his love to be thrust gently inside me. No more thinking of our bodies intertwined beneath the sheets of my bed. No more thoughts of kisses and soft caresses pressed against my aching flesh. No more wishing for his hands to roam eagerly over every inch of me. No more fantasizing of pianos and a home filled with love, safety, warmth, and family. All of these are merely dreams that can never be and if I hold onto them then I will never know peace. We will never be together and I know that, with every bit of my being, I know it but God, how do you let it all go? Something so strong and sure? How do you implore your heart of hearts to see reason and allow yourself to heal?.
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