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I don’t think Dad liked smacking me on the bum but Mum made him do it and he was upset that I’d used the f word at Mum.So about six or seven weeks later I’ve been going to horse riding every Saturday morning and I’ve gotten a lot better at riding and gotten put on a horse that isn’t so wide that I have to do a sideways splits to sit on the thing and the new horse’s name is Molly and I’ve kind of made friends with Molly. And from going horse riding every Saturday I’ve learned to get up early and have a good breakfast in time because it helps me stay warm and bring a coat in case it rains and wear my old jeans which used to be my good jeans but now they’re my old jeans ‘cause they already stink of horse and I’m having fun with riding Molly. And Mum and I are getting along okay ‘cause she’s been in a good mood and we have some good laughs and cuddles and stuff like that. Then one morning I get in the car in my stinky jeans and my coat and instead of driving me to the stables Mum drives. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.o Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!o If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.o As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.o Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole.
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