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Perhaps they’d throw in the counseling for free after. Sort of a trade of professional services. But even so, I had dark secrets now, that I even hid from myself. My own sexuality frightened me, so I denied, it and it worried me. I like expreme sex, and I’d been introduced to some of it’s more intense aspects, and I had liked them. This to many men, will seem, perfection, but its more than that, it’s darkness and it’s not what they can accept. So I did without. Sugar, the whore on they all dreamed of, became a nun…at least figuratively. One man who entered my life as a partner for a time, was so unable to get past the entire Sugar thing, when we were at dinner one night, and some other man kept staring at me rather rudely, he noticed. I am a good looking woman, and I do get looked at, but his face sort of turned this shade of green as he gallantly but quietly asked if I wanted to leave, in the middle of our meal. I could hear the thoughts, they were, is that one of them, and how. To its left is an unfinished section of wall, grey and dusty. The point of my digression is this. We must launch our enterprises to match their surroundings. I attempt success in a society that is duplicitous, shallow and treacherous. In order to create my art-work, I must be ruthless and cunning. Only then, may my goodness and wisdom be a light to the world. Ah, but I must not forget the good parts of our society and suit my actions also to them. It is precision of choice that keeps five red balls in the air… and how much depends on five red balls in the air! after note: It is now 9:30 and I’ve spent the last 45 minutes or so working on my Richard essay. I’ve gotten a respectable amount of work done, more than half the essay. But it strikes me how much work life is. It’s such a struggle to knock one essay out and it’s such a small part of what I have to achieve this term. And then I’ll get worse grades than people who wouldn’t survive a round with me in the intellectual boxing.
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