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... "No. They're all at the funeral."--A Cape Bretoner walked into a crowded local bar, waving his Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip and yelled,"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"A Newfie from the back of the bar yelled back,"You're gonna need more ammo!"WHILE ON A ROAD TRIP, AN ELDERLY COUPLE, STOPPED AT A PIZZA HUT FOR LUNCH.AFTER FINISHING THEIR MEAL, THEY LEFT THE RESTAURANT, AND RESUMED THEIR TRIP TO PHOENIX.WHEN LEAVING, THE ELDERLY WOMAN UNKNOWINGLY LEFT HER GLASSES ON THE TABLE, AND SHE DIDN'T MISS THEM UNTIL THEY HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT FORTY MINUTES.BY THEN, TO ADD TO THE AGGRAVATION, THEY HAD TO TRAVEL QUITE A DISTANCE BEFORE THEY COULD FIND A PLACE TO TURN AROUND, IN ORDER TO RETURN TO THE RESTAURANT TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES.ALL THE WAY BACK, THE ELDERLY HUSBAND BECAME THE CLASSIC GROUCHY OLD MAN. HE FUSSED AND COMPLAINED, AND SCOLDED HIS WIFE RELENTLESSLY DURING THE ENTIRE RETURN DRIVE. THE MORE HE CHIDED HER, THE MORE AGITATED HE BECAME. HE JUST WOULDN'T LET UP FOR A. Before that, I was just your below-average guy. I was short and wimpy. I could never get a tan because my skin would burn after five minutes in the sun. My family couldn’t afford contacts so I was stuck with these big, thick dorky glasses. I’m even below average in penis size. You would think God would have pitied me a little, but no. I’m ashamed to say that my dick is only three inches long. Yeah, that’s why I was still a virgin at eighteen. But all that changed when I turned eighteen. I had this weird ass dream where this sexy woman’s voice said to me, ‘John, you now have the power to control anyone and anything. I have chosen you based on how pathetic you are. I hope you abuse your new powers. I might even get involved at some point in time.’ I woke up after that with a killer headache and the woman’s voice echoing through my head. Now, I believe that woman is a witch or something and she wanted to help me in some way. At first, I just thought I had a bad dream, but I still had a.
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