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..which is flattering, but I selfishly want more, much more. And I can't even tell her that or I risk losing her. I want to make her feel happy, safe and loved. I want to be the one she wakes up to. I want (damn, I'm needy) us to be traditional, talking about our day, not pontificating on ball gags and butt plugs... ok, the butt plugs may remain in our conversation but with a ninety minute limit. It has all grown so confusing. She can be so loving and compassionate. That's who I fell in love with.The girl who made me cry happy tears. (A first and only). Now I search for any feasible solution that doesn't involve listening to Chris Cornell and reading prescription drug labels. I even began watching Dr. Phil, which to me is a sign of the apocalypse.She was coming over later so I was going to rehearse my speech but got caught up binge-watching the "Brady Bunch"...oh, that wacky Alice! My Spidey sense began tingling and I heard her struggle up the stairs, lugging her well-stocked toy. " We spent the afternoon talking, and listening to some LPs. Cindy had some favorites she liked to play when she was alone, usually. I didn't mind listening to them. She enjoyed Dinah Washington and Nat King Cole. And some big band music. They were good to dance to. We used to play them at sock hops in school. I decided to dance with Cindy. I stood up as Benny Goodman was playing his clarinet. I took her little hand. She smiled as she rose. There was room there in the living room, on the hard wood floor. We started doing a jitterbug. She was good, of course. I was okay. We both danced for a few tunes and then stopped when the album ended. We were laughing together. Later that evening, after we had a dinner that I helped prepare, we listened to some radio shows. We went to bed around ten, but this time I didn't go to my room. I went to Cindy's room. We took our time undressing. I couldn't get enough of her pretty body, and I think she liked to look at me, too. She said so, anyway. I.
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